Dangerous PSA: Saint Patty's Panic

We have been informed by the authorities that…apologies, our notes here have a little coffee on them. Some of this information is smudged so it’s a little difficult to read the details. To make up for that, we’ll have a write up of the different possible scenarios this PSA might be covering. It’s better to be safe than sorry, especially when dealing with dangerous situations.

Scenario #1: Leprechaun Watch

It has been reported that a small mischievous man in a green suit has been causing trouble nearby. He is being described as having red hair with a beard, a strange fascination with four-leaf clovers, and can be found when a rainbow is present in the sky. If you see a pot of gold, do not approach it. While the riches might be tempting, it is best to steer clear and report the object to authorities. It is also advised you wear an article of green clothing in any form. This will deter the unknown individual from causing a brief, but painful pinch to anyone close by.

Scenario #2: Leper Con Watch

Be aware that the 47th annual Leper Con is being held downtown, near Rainbow Avenue at the Clover Inn and the adjoining Greenman Convention Center in the coming days. Golden barricades will be set up to signify the edges of convention grounds and authorities will be on hand to guide attendees. We ask all those who are not participating to steer clear of the area. While treatment for leprosy has drastically decreased complications and even cured those afflicted, allowing the disease to spread further is ill-advised. Please also report any forearms you see lying on the ground as these are likely red-herrings set out by the no-good, dirty-rotten Penn Pinchers gang.

Scenario #3: Leperchaun Watch

Sources say a sickly green looking male has been seen strolling the streets downtown. Reports indicate the individual smells of rainbow trout and has been handing out small golden coins etched with the symbol of a clover. If this conman approaches or you spot one of these coins, do not take it. Tests by the local authorities have found these innocuous presents are contaminated with bacteria associated with leprosy. If you have had direct contact or know someone who has, please visit the nearest emergency center. Please note that no longer feeling emotional pain is not a true symptom of leprosy, only the lack of physical pain sensations counts.

We’re still unsure which of these scenarios is the real danger you should be aware of. So, we suggest you pick one and be extra cautious today. Who knows when or if any one of this situations will rear its ugly head.